


Life is hell when you lost something

by m00nlightShimmer



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental Death, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Dean Winchester, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Worried Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:55:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m00nlightShimmer/pseuds/m00nlightShimmer
Summary: Sad, sad, frustration, more sad. Basic summary because I'm not good with summaries. Sorry. Don't want to spoil anything either. Check the tags, to whether you want to read it. Oh by the way. Not really major character death - The supernatural famous kind of death.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 8





	Life is hell when you lost something

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sad. The official ending sucks ass. Actually I'm fine that they're technically in heaven but what they did to Cas is bullshit.
> 
> I was so sad I wrote a fucking depressing piece and I cried more than once writing it. So, knock yourself out. Maybe grab some tissues.

I don't know how much time has passed. I don't have any feeling of time left. It's silent. There's no sound from anywhere. The only thing I can faintly hear are my own shaky breaths here and there. But I don't care, I don't care about how many times my phone rang by now. I don't care about how cold this floor is that I'm sitting on. I don't care about chuck, I don't care about whatever is going on outside of this damn bunker! I'm done. I can't anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of all this shit that's been happening. I've done it again. I didn't think my actions through. And now, this is the result. Why does this keep happening. Why can't I ever do something right?! I'm so sorry. I really am. If I would have paid more attention then all of this wouldn't have happened.. I blankly stare at the one spot on the wall where a while ago, a big black sludge appeared and then vanished. My phone ringing startles me and I muster up all my power that I have left and fling my phone right across the room to that specific point at the wall. With a loud cracking sound and an even louder thud it falls onto the ground. I slump back against the wall and let my head sink onto my knees.  
"an!" ..."D..n!" ... "Dean!"  
Hm.. why is it so shaky? What's the matter? I'm tired.  
"DEAN!"  
I slowly open my eyes to check what's going on. It takes a bit of time for my eyes to adjust. When my vision finally comes into focus I see Sammy kneeling in front of me with a all to clear expression of worry plastered across his face and Jack standing behind him with a similar look.  
"Dean! Oh thankfully you're alright. What's up? What are you doing here? I tried calling you for at least 5 times and you never picked up! I was worried!" Sam says in an increasingly louder getting voice, probably to check if I listen to him. "Yeah, uh can't really answer with that." I say nonchalantly looking over at my broken phone, laying on the ground. I can see that Sam gets more and more confused with every minute that passes. "What? Why is your phone broken? And still, why are you sitting here?" Sam returns his gaze to me, trying to find answers. "Uh, Billy tried to kill me. So we had a small fight. Must have happened then", I lie halfway through my teeth. They don't need to know everything. Sam seems to be thinking for a moment before he gets back up, pulling me with him. I feel how my legs are unsteady but I try to not let Sammy notice. "Okay, let's go and sit down in the kitchen. There's new information you need to know and I think it's best to get some food in first", Sammy decides and that's exactly where we are going. Or in my case, more staggering.  
Entering the kitchen I go straight for the fridge and get myself a beer. I can't do anything else right now.  
While Sam is starting to make sandwiches, I sit down and my mind wanders off back to what happend earlier. I don't notice Sam being done and also sitting down across from me. He places a sandwich in front of me and starts to update me on the fact that apparently everyone is gone now. Not a single other human left. This must be a sick joke.. But checking Sams and even Jacks face I don't find a single hint that indicates so. "It wasn't Billy. It was Chuck." is the only thing I could say to that. Sam looked bewildered at me so I needed to elaborate a bit "The time I hit Billy with her scythe, she said it was fatal. She didn't have the energy to pull this one off". Sam seemed to think about it and nodded after a bit. I took a bite from the sandwich to make my behaviour look normal. "Where's Cas?" A sudden question, causing a terrible atmosphere to fill the room. I knew that this question would come up. And it was clear as day who would ask. I sat there frozen in silence. How was I supposed to explain that. What was I supposed to say that did not let everyone know what grave of a mistake I made this time. "Dean?", Sam brought me back to the threatful question that was still lingering in the air. I took a deep breath. "Cas is.. he saved me. Billy was coming after us. And Cas summoned the Empty. It took her and it took him.." There was no more to add. My head sank at the end of the sentence. I could hear an audible gasp from Jack and Sam. I know that I'm not the best liar and I know that Sam improved on reading me but this right now and what was going to come would be lying and faking on a whole other level. "But I will be damned if we don't try to get him back. That's what we've always done!" I said with a stern voice. Meaning it but secretly on the inside, I saw no chance how to get him back. Sam and Jack had to accept what I said but not without pain and sadness flickering in their eyes. "I'm sorry, Jack" was the last thing I managed to get out and with that the conversation was over and I left the kitchen and went to my room. I closed the door behind me and just slid down to the floor. I am an emotional mess. All the things Cas said about me. It's so hard to believe.. He can't be gone, he belongs here. He always did, ever since he choose for himself to disobey heavens orders.

It has been days since everything happened. We spent our time doing some research. Okay, Sam and Jack spent their time doing most of the research. I instead was becoming increasingly more frustrated and angry with everything. The nightmares didn't help. I couldn't sleep anymore. I didn't want to sleep anymore. Every time I closed my eyes I felt uncomfortable, irritated, anxious even. And when I actually managed to fall asleep, thanks to all the alcohol in my system, I had the worst nightmares. I had this before. I know what it means. It also didn't help when Sam found me asleep on the floor with my face on top of an empty whisky bottle. So much for trying to not be obvious. With a screeching halt we come to a stop in front of a church. "You sure about this, Jack? Whatever you're picking up on is in there?" Asked Sam as we approached the gate. Why and how would somebody still be here? "In there or very nearby. Guys, I have no idea what we're walking into". Entering the Church we look around for any evidence that somebody might be here. It looks and gives of the feel that you have everywhere. The picture of the sudden disappearance of all life. But then again, if no one is here, why look the candles as if they were just lit and why are all kinds of books sprawled around on the benches? "So, you survived." A voice spoke up. "Michael?" A sudden wave of anger comes rushing over me but I try to keep it inside and let no one notice. I don't really know how and why we decided to bring Michael back with us to the bunker, but here we are. I was too busy dealing with myself to really think about it. I'm just tired.. so tired. But I don't want to sleep. I sit down at desk in the study hall and take a look at all the various books trying to find a single thing that could help us with Chuck. The morning comes and I haven't found anything. Sam and Jack come into the room with a similar expression, that tells me they didn't find anything either. I sit down in front of a pillar trying to focus my thoughts on the situation at hand with Michael also being around now. My new phone rings. Sam gave it to me because he said that right now, having a phone is crucial. I don't even hear it ring the first time because I'm just in my mind and way too tired to be able to catch everything that's going around. I take my phone out and look onto the display. Me heart and breathing stops for 5 seconds. My hands unconsciously clutching my phone tight. This can't be. It's impossible. My thoughts begin to race again. Slowly I accept the call and raise the phone to my ear. "What..?", I ask with a low voice not believing the caller ID shown on my screen and yet hoping it is true. As soon as hear his voice my mind goes blank and I'm unable to do anything. "...can you let me in?". It takes me a second to comprehend but I've never been faster on my feet and at the entrance to the bunker than right now. I take a deep breath and open up the door. As soon as I did regret and an immense pain in my chest consumed me. I shut the door as fast as I opened it and ignore everything. I only mind absently see everything happen. Lucifer bringing in a woman and killing her. She transforming into Death by the looks of it. We bringing her to Gods Death Book. She coming back after a couple of minutes with the book. And just when she is about to tell us what it says in there, Lucifer kills her and grabs the book, explaining something about how Chuck got him back and that he did that for his dad and that he's daddy's number 1 now. The hatred on Michael's face wasn't to miss and so it's no surprise that he tries and succeeds in killing Lucifer. Around that time I finally came back to all my senses and gave Sam a knowing look which he understood straight away. I pick up the Book and we discuss what to do next. Sam suggestes that he'd look for information in the book of the damned and that I and Jack would check other books for any other possible information. On my way to my bedroom I enter the kitchen and grab a new bottle of stronger alcohol. Stepping into my room, I first close the door, then put the bottle on the bedside table and lastly let myself fall onto the bed. I'm exhausted. I'm done. I grab the bottle and open it to take a big gulp. The alcohol burning in my throat, giving me the only sense of feeling right now. Hatred welling up inside me. Not because of what happend with Lucifer and Micheal or the momentarily new Death. No, it's the phone call. It's the fact that I answered it hoping for something that was clearly impossible. Getting excited about seeing Cas again no matter what shape he would be in. Only having him back would be all I need. Taking another swing from the bottle, I try to ignore all of it. I don't want to think about it but I can't stop my thoughts. It's not until halfway through the bottle that my mind finally shuts up and my eyes close.

It's black. It's black and slimy everywhere. No matter where you step or touch. It's black slime or rather sludge. But that is not correct. There in the distance is a person. I can see them. Slowly I try walking towards them which isn't the easiest with all the sludge around. It's like quicksand. But I need to reach the person, my mind tells me too. I get closer and closer but with every step I also get more anxious as if I knew what was about to happen. But that is impossible. Finally I reach the person and turn them around by grabbing their shoulder. I shouldn't have. My legs give in and I fall onto the ground, sitting and staring up at the person. "C-Cas.." I stutter. But it's already too late. The black sludge is consuming him. Everything. Until there's nothing left. It all vanishes into a the ground mixing in with all the other sludge. I try to get up, but I can't. Looking around I notice why. It's the sludge. It's also consuming me. Before I could react to it, it was all dark again and it felt like I'm suffocating.

Waking up sweating, shaking and breathing heavily I scramble back on my bed against the headboard and clutch my blanket tightly around me. It's still black. I don't want this. Reaching out left and right to find the light switch for the bedside lamp, I turn it on and a warm light engulfs the room. I clutch my blanket tightly again and put my head onto my knees, trying to calm my breath. It's not easy. Not at all. Trying not to think about a nightmare one just had is impossible. This black sludge that is all over the place. That grabs you. It's not good. Black sludge is never good. Never. We had this happen already. The black sludge that came from Cas because of the Leviathans. When he tried to protect us and the world from them. When he banished them to Purgatory again. And when he walked into the water and vanished. What was left was his stupid trenchcoat. But now, there isn't even that. The trenchcoat I found back then was like a signal that Cas would be back. So I kept the trenchcoat waiting for the day Cas would show back up and I could give it to him. But this time there is nothing like that. No trenchcoat and no reassurance that Cas will ever be back. I feel terrible. I feel like I'm about to puke. Quickly getting out off bed and running to the toilet I do exactly that. Vomiting everything that is inside my body out. Shivers are running down my spine and cause goosebumps all over my body. Thankfully there isn't much food coming out. Mostly just alcohol and water. But if that makes it any better? After making sure that there is nothing else I could be vomiting out, I slowly crawl over to the shower and turn the water on. I sit down on the floor and just let the water run over my body and my clothes for a couple of minutes before I have the energy to get up and take a real shower, getting rid of all the sweat and stench. After I'm done, I put on new clothes and look at myself in the mirror. The only thing that could tell about my condition are the slowly increasing black eye bags underneath my eyes. Making my way to the kitchen I eat a slice of toast, hoping that my stomach could handle it. I go to sit down in the study hall and to my surprise Jack is already there, reading up on something. How late even is it? I look at the clock telling me that it's around 5am. Have I been sleeping for so long? No, I stayed up really late, so it hasn't been that long. I take a couple of books out and sit down at the other table, starting to read them. I'm guessing Jack would have told me whether he found something by now or not, so I don't even ask. After a couple of hours Michael enters the room as well, having a book in his hands probably trying to act casual. Remembering yesterday I try to not look at him suspiciously. He strikes up a conversation about whether or not Sam has found anything yet. Seeing Sam out of my corner of my eye coming from the direction of his room, he shows me a thumbs up and nods. To make it seem like a coincidence, I mention that maybe Sam has found something by now and that we should just wait a little bit longer. "Actually, you don't have to wait. I found something." is with what Sam enters the room. We all look at him waiting in anticipation. "It's a spell that finds god wherever he is and it will finish him. There's only a couple of things that are important. Like a particular place and the correct angle of the sun. So, we have to hurry", Sam states. We all look at each other, grab our bags from our rooms and get into the Impala to drive to wherever Sam directs us too. We arrive at a beautiful sea side and directly start setting up the spell and performing it. A big blue beam shots up into sky and suddenly with a lightning strike it's over and Chuck stands a couple of feet away from us. Getting into fighting stance he uses his powers and sends us flying further back. Through the hard landing most of what happens between him and Michael goes over our heads. The only thing we notice is Michaels body lighting up and then vanishing into dust or more precise a wave of energy. As we're getting up Chuck walks over to us stating his opinion about how the show should end now. With Sam taking a couple of steps into Chucks direction and punching him straight into the face, the mess that is about to follow begins. The first 5 seconds might be the worst, since Chuck uses his powers making it hard to breath for us. After that it's so much, so fast that there is not really any time to react to the pain or trying to defend ourselves. All of Chucks anger comes crashing down on us in what feels like an eternity. The only thing we can do is always trying to get back up, suffering even more as soon as we do. With all the pain, all the broken bones and blood it is not easy to keep our footing. But at least we managed to survive and get as much out of this as possible, so it's no surprise a smile creeps up on our faces, irritating Chuck completely. Reacting to our behaviour, Chuck turns around facing Jack. One could feel Chucks unease as he slowly starts walking over to Jack. Confident in his powers, Chuck snaps his fingers to.. nothing happening. Jack looking back up at Chuck, from the short moment he was nervous if everything worked out. A snap follows a snap and again and again, getting faster and more frantic. Jack recognizing that the plan did indeed worked out, steps over to Chuck, his eyes lighting up followed from all of his veins as he grabs Chucks head and takes all energy that is left in Chuck, throwing him onto the ground afterwards. Still glowing, Jack does the trademark snap with a loud echoing sound following it and suddenly all our pain is gone. Looking down on us, everything is fine and back to normal. We walk over to Jack, picking up God's death book on the way and stand in front of him. Showing Chuck his book that is completely blank to everyone of us, we start to explain to him what our plan was and how we we're successfully able to go through with it. Our minds were already made up on what we would do with Chuck next, and with everything Chuck said right now, it gave us confirmation. We stepped around Chuck, walking over to the Impala. Chuck listening to our foot steps and not feeling any pain, looks back up at us seeming to understand what our idea of his ending was. But to drive our point home, we slowly explained to him what we thought about him, about us and how we we're not the kind of person he wants us to be. We get into the Impala and drive off, ignoring Chucks desperate attempts for us to stay and listen to him. Stopping in the next city we reach, we get out of the Impala. "Alright kid, you really think you can pull this off?" and without an answer and just a deep breath, everyone that lived in this city came back. Children were playing, people were having lunch and talking to each other. It was so nice to see. It really was. But even though all was back to normal, there was still one thing that was hurting. With my mind on a different topic it took me a moment to understand what was going on now. Why Jack didn't want to come back to the bunker. Why Sam asked what we could call him now. It was evident but I didn't understand at first. It was sad but Jack chose for himself. He explained that he would always be around, that he would someday give answers to everyone who had questions. That nobody had to pray to him, and that there was no need to sacrifice. It was only important that people knew that he was already a part of them and for the people to have trust in that. That he wouldn't be a hands-on person. He would be in in the background and that there was only to believe in every human that they would do their best. And with that Jack bit his farewell to us. Turning around and vanishing as he walked away. Right before he vanished I mustered up all my courage I could find in this moment and asked a single quiet question, hoping Jack could her it. There was no reaction, no answer, no glance back. Jack just vanished and I took it as a fact, that Jack probably did not hear my question.

Back at the bunker Sam and I share a beer in midst of the quietness of the bunker. Sam says that now without Chuck in the picture we can finally for the first time in our life decide what we want to do. He talks about living a normal life, something he always wanted to do. And while Sam talks about all of these things, I'm stuck with everything that I ignored so far because of our goal to fight Chuck. Everything is coming back up. The memory from that day. All the emotions that are connected to this event. All the pain, all the tiredness. I heard Sam suggesting to go on a ride, just relaxing and listening to music but because it's late and because I definitely don't have the energy to do something as carefree as that right now, I tell him that I'm a bit tired from all the stress. Sam looks a bit disappointed but also admits that he himself is also pretty tired. We decide to talk tomorrow about what to do next and just go to our rooms.

It has been a couple of weeks since we came back to the bunker, since Chuck was defeated, since Jack was God now and since Cas was gone. It would be a lie, if I said that I haven't stopped looking for a way to save him yet. It isn't like I have completely given up on it yet. But you tell me, that you wouldn't be desperate. That you wouldn't start to doubt yourself. That you wouldn't lose hope. It has been weeks. There is not a single thing someone like me could do. The day Jack left, I asked hoping he would hear me. There hasn't been any answer to it since. I tried to get my mind off of this topic with every hunt we still did. It only worked a bit. More than once I lost focus on the hunt and Sam had to save my sorry ass. By now I think that Sam knows that something is wrong with me. I'm just not sure how much he can tell.  
But I guess it's not that hard to miss that all of the alcoholic beverages are gone from the kitchen. And that a lot of unimportant, broken things are flying around everywhere.  
It is difficult. It really is. It hasn't been so bad before. I had these problems before, my anger issues, my ignorance, everything. I've been through all of this a lot of times but is has never struck me that bad. The first time I felt all of this was 13 years ago, when Dad made a deal with the yellow eyed demon to save me, when he told me to keep an eye on Sam, to protect him and in the worst case, kill him. This and everything that came after that threw me into a deep dark spiral. Oh, I guess professionals would call it depression. It's one hell of a shit thing. And now, it's back. Worse than ever. Another big gulp from the whisky bottle. Walking through these empty halls with no one else left except for us, is like hell. It's silent. As if some important parts are missing. And it is like that. Walking past Jack's room, I swallow down another round of whisky. Why does it feel so empty and cold without you guys around? Has it been that long that you all stayed here and we became more and more of a family? Thinking that another swing of whisky makes it down my throat. It's not even burning anymore. Wanting to take another step forward, my body disobeys me. I'm stuck in place. I lift my head and come face to face with a door. As if my body moves by itself I carefully open door, step inside, close the door until there's only a little bit of light entering and sit down on the bed. It's cold. And it's empty. With the little light illuminating the room, I look around wondering if I can find anything out of place. But there is nothing. It's all neatly organized. But there is nothing personal here. Taking another sip of whisky, I wonder if it's because he never had something personal. We never suggested to get things. Maybe that's why.. for a really short moment I had the feeling it smelled like him. But that is impossible. I don't think Cas ever smelt of something and besides he hasn't been here since that day... I feel how the darkness creeps up on me even more. I'm already trying to ignore it as best as I can. Putting the whisky bottle up to my lips, I try to get more out but there's nothing. Taking the bottle down and looking at it, I notice that it's empty. I stare at the empty bottle and at first there is nothing, but then it come crashing in - the feeling of absolute fear. I quickly get up to get out of the dark room and stumble to the door. Reaching the door and swinging it open, I lose my balance and fall onto the floor, losing the grip on the whisky bottle which shatters when hitting the wooden floor. The light that fully shines into the room now, sparkles back because of the glass shards lying around. I stare at them for a moment before I start picking them up because I can't and don't want to leave the room dirty. Throwing all the glass shards into the trashcan right next to the desk, I bent over to pick up the last two shards when I suddenly feel a strong pain. Blood is flowing down my finger and I notice, that I cut myself on one of the shards because it slipped through my fingers when I tried to pick it up. It's just a bit of blood, but it looks like it's so much. This bit is nothing compared to all the times we cut ourselves open to get some blood for drawing sigils. Nothing compared to the amount of blood that came out of Cas's arm when he drew the sigil on the door to block Billy out..  
I don't know when or how I got back to my room. I don't know anything that happened between me cleaning up the shards and now. But what I know is, that it hurts. It hurts a lot. And it is okay. I deserve this. It is my fault after all, I think while swiping with me left hand over me right arm. I hiss in pain. It's okay. Stop thinking about this. It's about all the mistakes I've made in my life. All the mistakes that made him suffer, that made it hard on him. How did I never notice, what pain he must've been going through. This is nothing compared to all he had to endure. I'm terrible. It's disgusting. 1 Cut, 2 Cut then 3 then 4 more. Switching the arms in between, doesn't help to find more space when everything is already used. While trying to switch again, the knife slips and falls to the ground. Trying to get out of bed, I suddenly feel very dizzy and with a sickening thud, my body gives in and lands on the ground. It hurts, I feel sick. I'm dizzy. I have a really weird feeling in my gut. It's a feeling like I have to vomit, but then again it isn't. Unease maybe? I don't know. I just know that I hate this feeling. It's really bad. Trying to prop myself back up, I notice that this is absolutely impossible. I have no energy left at all. My breathing slows down. I know what this is. I know what it means. But that doesn't help me right now at all. I try to force anything out of my mouth but there is no sound escaping. I close my eyes for a moment and think about it. It's okay. It's my own fault. I just wasn't strong enough. It's not necessarily the way I always thought I'd go out, but it isn't as far off. I had a thought like this maybe once or twice before. I'm content.. at least I try to convince myself of that. I'm just sorry that I didn't have the time to talk with Sammy about everything. Who knew this would happen today. I hope I get the chance to see Sammy again so we can then talk.. my mind drifts back to the wet feeling of something touching my face. It's just the blood pooling at the floor because it keeps running down my arms. I open my eyes slowly and take a look at all the blood spilling out. All these cuts are my mistakes. I.. I should at least tell him, right? I take a deep unsteady breath that even hurts a bit and try to calm down, so I can focus on what I want to say next.

"I know that you can not hear me. I just want to tell you, that I've tried, Cas. I've really tried my best. I tried to change my perception of myself because of all the things you said about me. I tried to help more, I tried to fix my problems. I tried to apologize for every mistake I made and accept these mistakes for what they are. A learning experience to better myself. I tried to apologize to everyone. And you're the last person I have to apologize to. I'm Sorry. I'm sorry for every time I was mean to you. For every time I didn't trust you, I'm sorry for all the times you had to suffer because of my actions. I'm sorry for all the times I was the one to make you suffer. When I kicked you out once, when I was so done with all of it. When I was angry with you. For the times it was me who hurt you. Especially the time where I let out all my frustration on you, punching you, nearly killing you when I was under the influence of the mark. I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better friend. That I didn't give you the support you may have needed in between. I'm sorry that I always just assumed and decided that you would help instead of asking you. I'm sorry for every time I ignored you and only answered you when I wanted something. And most of all, I'm sorry for ignoring your feelings for all these years. I never really asked how you are, whether everything is fine, if you'd maybe like to do something. I never thought about it. I'm so sorry. You said you changed because of everyone around you, because of me. I don't think it was because of me. I think it was your own doing. You were always nice. You always helped. You had trust in things, in which I didn't. You raised Jack. You trusted him with everything while I was cynical about every aspect. You always tried your best. You sacrificed yourself a lot of times to save us, to save the world, to save humanity that you came to love. I'm really really sorry for all the bad experiences but I'm also glad. I'm really glad that even though you had to go through all these bad things, that you still stayed with us. That you always came back. You could have turned your back to us and just leave the whole picture. But you didn't. And for that, I want to thank you. Thank you for all you did. For all the times you had to save us. For all the times you protected us on your own accord. For all the times you didn't understand our jokes but still tried to. For all the times you tried to make us laugh in a dire situation. I'm thankful that we met. I'm glad this happened. Whether it was Chuck who wrote it or not, I don't care. It was good. There's nothing else that I could imagine that could top this. But ultimately, right now, I'm just sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't find a way. I promised I would. That's what we always did. I know you bit your farewell knowing that it would be for forever. But I just couldn't accept it. I mean after all these years where everyone always came back, I suddenly have to accept that this time it won't work out? That is impossible. But I believe I finally reached the breaking point with this. I think you're right. I checked every book for a single thing that could help. But I found nothing. That's why I'm sorry. Please forgive me, but I give up. I can't deal with this for any longer. The pain is eating me up from the inside out. I'm really sorry for wasting your efforts like this. But I hope you can understand... I guess all of this here is my goodbye, this time.. please don't be sad. I'm sorry, Castiel.." With all the exhaustion washing over me like being buried under waves, I close my eyes, spilling the last tears that were still holding onto them. My breathing becomes shallow and shortly after that it stops completely, I assume. The only thing I notice right before darkness overcomes me, is my door bursting open and Sam frantically shouting. That is the last I see before drifting off into darkness.  
.  
.  
Somewhere in heaven where Castiel is working, it's silent.  
Nothing is happening. I'm just standing here, glued to the floor. Not moving a muscle. What was that? What did I just hear? That was a joke, right? It couldn't be real. Just hallucinations. It just couldn't be true. Did Dean really just say that? But the more I thought about it, the more frightened I was. Because it made sense. As much as I didn't want to admit that, I knew this was a possibility.  
But the fear and the sadness, everything that I just heard in Dean's voice was real. But what did it mean? Why would Dean bit his farewell? Why would he tell me to not be sad? Sad about what? And what was with all the apologies, with all the appreciation? Why? I don't understand. There is no reason for him to say that. I would really like to ask him, why he is saying all of that. Why he sounded so desperate to get all of this out. Where has he been hiding all of these feelings? But I can't see him. I'm not brave enough to do that. I'm scared. Scared about what he thinks. Scared about what he would say. I can't easily face him after I told him about how I feel for him. I can still see his face. Not grasping what I told him. Confusion the only thing in his mind. It was written all over his face. I don't blame him. He probably never heard something like that before. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before turning my attention back to work.

  
  


Back at the bunker, I'm walking through the hallways thinking about the past weeks. Dean has been out of it for a while now. I didn't notice it at first but with more time passing, you'd have to be oblivious to not notice. The dark circles under his eyes increasing. How unhealthy his complexion started to look. How I found him rarely eating. How all of the alcohol vanished one after the other. How more and more thinks turned up broken. It's like the times where he had it really bad. But this time it's the worst. It's all about Cas, isn't it, Dean? Is the question I wanted to ask him a couple of times but never actually had enough courage to do it. I know he was looking for a way to get Cas back, we talked about it once. That this is, what our family does. And he was right. I looked for ways but quickly came to accept that there is no solution to our problem. I don't think Dean could accept this that fast. Instead he tried and tried. Frustration increasing with every failed attempt to gain viable information. I should really talk to him. He needs help to work all of this out. I turn around and walk down the hallway to get to Dean, taking a turn into the kitchen I quickly prepare something to eat for Dean because I'm pretty sure that he'll need it. Once finished I put everything on a plate and leave the kitchen again. On my way to Deans room, I stumble upon an open door. But not any door. It's the door to Cas's room. Why is it open? The door was always closed. Cas never left the door open. Taking a closer step to the room, to close the door again I notice some red droplets on the wooden flooring in Cas's room. Following the trail of blood with my eyes, it seems to be leaving the room and continues on down the hallway. The plate crashes to the floor, my body tenses up, my breathing hitches. Focusing all my thoughts on Dean, I start running down the hallway to his room. Please. Please, don't! Is all what repeats in my head until I reach Deans room and burst through the door to a sight, that I never wanted to see in my life. I stood there, frozen in place just looking at the big pool of blood underneath Dean. "N-No...this can't be happening!", I shout as loud as I can. Finally being able to move again, after taking everything in I run over to Dean and turn him around, with his back to the floor. He looks pale. His body is turning cold. I look at Dean's arms and have to swallow down the feeling of vomit trying to get out. I get up and grab various things to stop the blood from flowing out. It's not working. My mind is working in an emergency state, I'm panicking. I can't think straight. "oh god, no..". My brain short-circuits for a moment. "JACK!? Jack?! Can you hear me?! I know you said people don't have to pray to you. I know you said, you'll be around! Right now would be the best fucking timing for that! PLEASE Jack. I need help. Dean is.. he's dying! I don't know what to do! I feel sick. I can't do anything.." As strong as I started the prayer the more my voice broke and cracked, the more pain and tears mixed in at the end. I started crying uncontrollably, hugging Dean's body as close to me as possible. Trying to keep him warm with my body. "C-Cas.. I- I need you as well. I know I'm desperate. B-But I can't. It doesn't matter to me if you can't hear me because you're gone. I NEED you to hear me!!" I tried my best to get my act together. I know that it's futile praying to Cas. Nothing reaches the Empty. But I don't know what to do. This is everything I can think off. I feel Dean's blood flowing onto myself and soaking my clothes, but I can only hug im tighter and keep crying. My body is not able to do anything else. That is probably also the reason why I don't notice when Jack as well as Cas show up behind me in the room with the old but too familiar sound of wings fluttering. I only notice their presence when someone shakes me at my shoulders and tries frantically talking to me. It takes a moment for my senses to come all back. When I look up at who is trying to get my attention, I see someone who looks more desperate than I do. Someone who is crying even more than I am. Someone who feels the pain I feel but on a different level. It's Cas. How is he here? He should be in the Empty. Am I hallucinating? That has to be it this time for sure. My grip on Dean eases and Cas is able to pull me away from Dean. Not leaving Dean's body out of my eyes, Cas hugs me, sobbing uncontrollably. I notice him shaking and shivering all over the place. As I always thought, there was more between him and Dean. I saw Jack picking up Dean and putting him in the bed. All the blood still dripping from his arms while Jack's been doing so. The blood spilling and connecting with the blood already on the floor makes me gag again, but even harder this time. I look away from Dean, hug Cas tight and shut my eyes close. I can't see anymore of this. I can faintly hear that Cas is saying things to calm me but obviously himself down as well. The warmth coming from Cas and the glowing light that Jack is emitting, manage to calm me down a bit. I don't dare to open my eyes until, I feel another hand touching my Shoulder. Slowly and very carefully I open my eyes and look up to see a nervous Jack standing in front of me. His smile is crooked as if he's not sure whether now is a good time to smile or not. He looks definitely calmer than before. Now I notice that Cas is long since gone and that I was just sitting there, hands pressed into my face trying to blend everything out. When I turn to face Dean's bed, I see Cas anxiously sitting next to it, holding Deans hand. With Jack's help, I slowly get up from the floor and take a longer look at Dean's body. The blood is all gone. His dark circles under the eyes are gone, as well as his sickly looking complexion. He looks all normal, as if nothing happened. I look at Jack, who nods and we leave the room to go into the kitchen.  
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"C-Cas.. I- I need you as well. I know I'm desperate. B-But I can't. It doesn't matter to me if you can't hear me because you're gone. I NEED you to hear me!!" Sam? First I hear Dean and now it's Sam praying to me? What is it? Why would he be desperate, why does he sound so hurt? I stop working again and was planning on asking Jack if he knew something about it. I didn't even came this far. As soon as I turned around Jack was standing in front of me, grabbing me by my arm and suddenly we were standing in Deans room back at the bunker. Why are we both here? I don't want to be here. Looking for any kind of explanation evident on Jack's face I don't notice the most terrifying thing. Only when Jack takes a couple of steps into the direction of Sam, sitting on the floor my thoughts and mind catch up. I hear sobbing, loud shaky breaths. I see Sam shaking. I see a lot of blood on the ground. Blood? Stepping up besides Sam my breathing stops. Everything around me breaks down. Everything is focused on Dean who's pressed up against Sam. Jack stands there uncomfortably trying to get to Dean but Sam doesn't seem to notice. I put my hand on Sams shoulder, shaking shim talking to him loud and fast. Not even noticing my own temper. At some point Sam looks up at me, all kind of emotions present. I notice how Sam slowly eases up and quickly I pull him away from Dean, hugging him instead. My mind is solely focused on Dean but I can't bare to look at anything else because of what is happening in this room right now. It is like a havoc dancing inside of me. I try to mainly calm myself but also Sam down. I can feel Jacks power radiating throughout the room for a long time. With every minute passing I get more anxious. The feeling of power flowing stops and I dare to look up at Jack standing in front us, telling me to keep watch over Dean. And that is exactly what I do. I get up and rush over to Dean laying in his bed. I take a chair and sit down, unconsciously grabbing Deans hand, while my brain is busy processing everything. This.. this is why Dean spoke to me earlier. This is why he said I shouldn't be sad, why he is sorry. Why this was his farewell. And I.. I ignored it. Because I was scared. Because I didn't know how to face him after the last time. And now, this is what it has come to. Why.. just why, Dean? What happend? Why did it turn out like this? Was it my fault for telling Dean about my feelings? I didn't think it would be this bad. I feel uncomfortable. I want to leave but I can't, I need to stay and watch over Dean.  
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Urg, it hurts. My body feels so heavy. I can't move. Where am I? It's warm and comfortable. I feel secure and protected. Why is it so damn difficult to open my eyes? It takes me a lot of effort and a couple of minutes to actually open my eyes halfway. Everything is kind of blurry, and the black moving spots filling up whatever I had available of my vision, didn't help. I try to lift my arm to reach around, hoping I could find anything to ground me and help me getting all my senses fully back on track. But I cant move my arm. The only thing I can minimalistic move are my hands. I can feel something soft and fuzzy on my right hand. It feels very nice and the touch is soothing. My vision clears up a bit more and the black spots I see turn out to be feathers. But that doesn't help my confusion. Trying to move my fingers, I manage to get a feather in between them. It's so soft. I've never felt anything silkier than this feather. Where is it from? I notice pressure increasing on my left hand. I slowly try to turn my head a little bit and shift my gaze from the feather over to my other hand. I see a hand gripping it tightly. Raising my gaze onto the arm attached to this hand, I see a beige sleeve similar to a certain trenchcoat. Quicker than my own mind can process and quicker than I probably should I followed the whole arm upwards and stop at the face. I'm met with crystal blue eyes calmly staring back at me. I'm sure that I can see various emotions behind those clear blue eyes but I'm too tired to be able to tell all of them apart. I tried to speak but my mouth was so dry that whatever came out of was nothing more but a rough sound. I tried again, but still no result. "Dean, it's fine" a deep gravely voice spoke up. I tried to shake me head no, which only caused more pain. "Here", Cas puts a bottle of water up to my lips and I greedily drank from it. Too fast for my own good, making me cough. Cas quickly puts the bottle back down on the bedside table. Fuck, even coughing hurts. I take a couple of deep breaths and try to collect all my thoughts. "... they're pretty." is what I managed to get out after some minutes. Cas sitting in silence just watching me. "Your wings, I mean.. They're beautiful." I don't know why but I couldn't talk about anything else but I'm also not that surprised. It's the first time I see his wings. Up until now it always was just a shadow of them being projected onto walls. But now, I was able to see them. Big, jet black wings, sprouting from Cas's back. I believe that my silence after wording my thoughts made Cas assume I was trying to interact, awkwardly so, judging by his response. "Dean.. you don't have to try and say something nice". Suddenly Cas's wings were gone and the warmth I felt before vanished with them. "I'll go and let Jack and Sam know that you're awake" as Cas said that and was getting up, anxiety was creeping up on me again, followed by the bad feeling of darkness consuming me. "Please, Cas.. No! Stay.." i quickly tried to grab Cas' trenchcoat, wincing at the pain caused by my sudden movement but now sitting up. My voice was breaking, fear evident in each word. As if Cas knew what I was scared off right now, he turned back to me and sat down again, putting his hand on my shoulder to make me relax. It was silent for a while. "I.. I just need you to stay here", I tried my best to not sound desperate despite the fact, that I clearly was. I'm not sure how much Cas understands from my behaviour but something seems to go through his mind. It wasn't only Cas who was busy with his own thoughts. I went over everything. Everything that happened since the fight with Billy. What Cas said, what he did for me. What happend to me and why it did. And what happend earlier. I'm pretty sure I should be dead. I'm so stupid. I took a look at Cas. He looks exhausted, his hair a mess. It seems like he stayed with me the whole time. however long that might have been. If he wasn't an angel I'd say he is tired. How is he here? He was gone. I couldn't reach him, so why. "How.. how can you be here?" I said slowly, still thinking about it. "I.. Dean, listen.." Cas tried to reply but I interrupted him. "No, it doesn't matter how. It matters that you are. I- I'm sorry Cas. I'm not sure if you heard me earlier.. I mean it doesn't really matter anyway right now". "No, Dean. It is important. Listen, I did.." - "I love you, Cas. I'm sorry". Silence filled the whole room. I don't know how long it was silent for. I only know that tears started to roll down my checks. A warm yet rough hand touched my cheek to wipe the tears away. I'm not good with expressing emotions. That's what I'm the worst at. I don't know how to react or how to handle situations like these. I didn't dare to look at Cas. Either I was too scared or too embarrassed, but I didn't.  
"Dean. Please, look at me" I heard Cas's gravely voice pleading. Very slowly I lifted my head to face Cas. I was met with blue eyes swimming in tears. A soft smile on his face. Up close Cas looks even more exhausted. "Dean, thank you. For everything. I can tell that this right now takes a lot of energy from you. It's fine, lay down and sleep. It is late." Cas's voice sounds warm and full of emotions. He is right, I am tired. I'm not exactly sure what to make of this but slowly I lay back down but I can't bring myself to close my eyes, fearing all of this was an illusion. That I'm dead and never had the chance to see Cas again. "Please..". There was nothing more that needed to be said, Cas understood. I saw Cas getting up from the chair, worrying for just a moment until I felt the bed dip down on the other side and a nice warmth spreading out. I try to turn around, it takes a little bit of effort but I manage. I look at Cas's face, who's calmly looking back at me. He seemes more relaxed than before. The warmth making the tiredness spread quicker, I slowly close my eyes. "Your wings, Cas. They are pretty. I meant that earlier. I'm glad you finally got them back." It was silent and then there was a familiar fluttering sound, that I still recognized even after such a long time. And with this familiar sound came the same feeling of protection and security that I felt earlier. I didn't have to open my eyes to know that it was because of Cas's wings. "So cozy, Cas" my tired mind making me say that. I felt Cas putting his arm around me and giving me a soft kiss on my forehead before I drifted off to a deep and calm sleep. The first one in what feels like an eternity. If I didn't knew it any better and that it wasn't for the fact that angels don't, I would think that Cas also fell asleep shortly after me with a soft "We can talk about everything once you feel ready. I love you, Dean."


End file.
